psycho Bob's Chilli Con Carne

I really shouldn't try and cook at such early hours of the morning. Psycho Bob

Preparation time

35 minutes
Best prepared at 1am in the morning, after a long, hard, day.

Cooking time

10 minutes

Ingredients

• 500g bloody-as-fuck minced beef, or 1 3-month old calf + meat mincer.
• 1 can woggy tomatoes, sans that 'secret spices' shit.
• 1 tablespoon of oil.
• 1/2 cup water.
• 1 pkt Psycho Bob's Blisteringly Foul Chilli Con Carne mix.
• 1 pkt of Pita bread, 3-4 weeks past used by date.
• 14 bottles of Red Eye.
• 1 large carving knife.

Method

1. Drink contents of 14 bottles of Red Eye to get yourself into the mood. Stack empty bottles on sink. Do NOT wash them.
2. Open mince meat, drop into searingly hot pan. Hack at it madly with a knife for three minutes, opening window to allow smoke to escape.
3. If opting for the Fresher Alternative, butcher the cow in the kitchen. Drain blood into empty redeye bottles. Discard entrails in the toilet. Flush until drain blocks or all trace of offal is removed.
4. Add oil to searingly hot pan.
5. Hold burnt hand under running water for 60 seconds. Upset 3 Red Eye bottles in the process. Bottles should be shaken, but not broken.
6. Hurl 4th Red Eye bottle against the floor to alleviate temper caused by step 4.
7. Reopen window to allow smoke to escape. Lightly dice Red Eye bottles 5 & 6 against a nearby wall. Curse God. Turn the gas down.
8. Add water to mince. Hack madly with knife for 60 seconds.
9. Scream abuse at saucepan full of soggy burnt meat for 30 seconds. Add packet of Psycho Bob's Chilli Con Carne mix to meat. Placate awoken neighbours.
10. Open can of woggy tomatoes. Upset a furthur 2 Red Eye bottles in process. Dispatch 9th Red Eye bottle at neighbours returning to complain about noise. Close kitchen window.
11. Add tomatoes to saucepan. Relight gas. Allow saucepan to simmer on high for 5 minutes, hacking and scraping madly as necessary.
12. Open and discard mouldy Pita Bread. Grind tenth Red Eye bottle to a fine powder.
13. Place kitchen knife in oven. Talk to local constabulary about the finer points of cooking. Excuse yourself when the smoke from the saucepan fills the kitchen.
14. Hurl saucepan of boiling meat across the kitchen, because that bastard Psycho Bob neglected to mention anything about a can of Kidney Beans in the list of ingredients.
15. Trample mouldy pita bread into the mess on the floor. Garnish with a furthur two Red Eye bottles.
16. Hurl final Red Eye bottle at police who have just kicked the front door in. Retrieve carving knife from oven.
17. Alert God, the Devil, and the Fucking Pigs that you do not intend to go without a fight. Wave the carving knife impressively.
18. Enjoy!

Serving Suggestion

Best taken with PCP or some other mind-altering drug.

Credits

This recipe was received via email from a friend who shall remain nameless. Copyright belongs to him/her.

To the righteous

Calm down! It's black humour.

See also..

• Crispy Roasted Piggy-wig (oink oink)
• Burrito Day