pmt and the rest

pmt comes. you get moody. crappy. affects everything. the way you take stuff people say. what you feel like doing and how you feel like doing it. even sex (how can you lose your self in something when you feel crappy and emotional?).

You suffer the bloody indignity and moodiness associated with monthly hormone fluctuations, and then what happens? nothing. that's what. panic does not ensue straight away. after all there could be a 12cm cyst hanging out in the top of your uterus and your homones could have been crappy. the pill could be affecting things. or diet. or stress. of course if the blood does not come for days, then you start to panic. big time.

So what does panic involve? Hmmm. I can speak for only for myself or for those who have shared their own versions of the same stories... but panic is talking to god with more than a tinge of desperation. it is eating lollies to bring on the bleeding (if you eat lollies as a result of having your period, shouldn't it work vice versa?). buying sanitary products (affirmation, man, affirmation). taking hot baths. spending extra time in the loo - you've got to do regular checks (yes, yes, desperation is kicking in). AND then finally, the FEAR that you might be, well you know... in hell. All of your options run dramatically through your head. But you are just in panic land, you have no hard facts to work with here. Most women at some time go through sheer psychological hell of 'Waiting for the Blood'. Which is ironic. most of the time you are wishing you didn't bleed, but as soon as you don't you panic - is it your heath, are you pregnant, OH MY GOD... could it be early menopause? If panic is stopping you from sleeping then you should seriously consider Finding Out The Truth. You could start with the adventure of hitting the personal products section of your local supermarket... eep. now there's some scary shit.

The thing to do is to start ruling out the easy to rule out stuff... like pregnancy. i'm sure ruling out menopause takes longer to rule out... and mostly you have no idea that diet, stress or health issues are affecting your body that much, until a) something really UGLY happens, or b) you have every crack and cavity of your body poked and analysed until an answer comes to light. Ruling out pregnancy means doing a pregnancy test. You can go to your GP. who probably knows you have sex, but having to spell out that you have sex to someone and even though, yes, you are on contraception and yes, you have been taking it, one of those squigly little sperm suckers may have got past your defences. Much easier and cheaper to get a pregnancy test and wee into a container and watch a bit of paper change colour. Or so it seems, until you figure in the actual shopping expedition. aieeeeeeeeee.

So it all start's like any other trip to your local supermarket. no stress - a "one item! i'll be in and outta there in a flash attitude takes over". yeah. in. out. flash. sure. What actually happens is you go up the personal items aisle, see someone you know, so go and look at cheese. cruise back, glance casually around, see some old lady looking at the constipation products on the next shelf down, decide you don't need her knowing looks. check out the coffee aisle. come back. Lo and behold there is some Christian family poking around ... you begin to feel like some sleaze bag hanging out on a corner with all this lurking. seriously, lurking is not a good thing. people begin to look.

this is much worse than the first time you purchased condoms. seriously. what do condom's say about you? you have sex. many people envy that. a few holier than thou type christians might hate you for having sex before marriage, but it is only coz they were too scared to. Now... what does a pregnancy test say about you? hmmmm. there are many possiblilities starting with a) yay! i'm so excited, i just can't wait for that doctors appointment (if this is not how you feel, you really don't want to run into some one you know in the aisle and be quizzed). ick. b) i didn't use contraception, i am an uneducated git. ick. c) i sleep around a lot, I do this all the time, hell, i'm a slut. d) i am going to be a single mum e) fsck! i'm just doing this because i feel it's time for another abortion. does anyone ever think - gee, poor thing probably took her contraception and it failed? uh-huh. even if it is the truth. Or doe they ever think - gee her period must be late due to stress/diet/health and she is just worried and is ruling out possibilities - uh-huh. even if it is the truth. Thus the lurking. lurk. lurk. lurk. see your chance, grab a kit have a quick read. really. just grab it and run. don't be too fussy. the sigh you might have over getting the wrong brand is small compared to the time and personal risk you take standing about doing product comparisons. you have the item. get out of there. fast. that's my advice.

So... you'd think that having grabbed the kit your stress is over and the sweat that was previously dripping off your forehead is all gone. Hah! That's what you know. Do you know what a "hi, haven't seen your for ages, how are you going? hey is that a pregnancy kit? are congratulations in order here"" death trap check-outs are. believe me the sweating does not stop until you are home, have done the test and have thrown out all evidence of ever having used such a kit. still... i'd rather this stress to the stress of going to my GP and getting asked 20 questions into the bargain and have them ask inane questions when all i want is the test, the result and outta there, but no, there has to be chit-chat. ick. And hearing, "negative" is great, but then you are left feeling like a bit of a drama queen. seriously D-I-Y is the better option.

When you get home, you read the instructions. after all, you went to all the bother of getting the bloody thing so you better bloody make sure you get everything right, god forbid you might have to go through that experience all over again. Great. morning pee is best, which means waiting another day. of course this is recommended and not required, but hell this is your first time, you don't really want to be taking risks. plus, the shopping experience is still burned into your mind. get up next morning. stumble sleepily into the bathroom. plonk down on the loo. suddenly remember you need that little plastic thingy whatsy to collect your pee to do The Test. get up off the loo, get the kit, remove the plastic thing hold it in the aim of your pee (trying not to wet your hands) and move it outta the way as soon as you have a sample (a full container - don't panic, it's small). when you get this you have to work out how to get the silly bit of test paper to prop up. i was so nervous that i held it and my hand shook. ick. i stuffed it up, i thought i had to hold it, i had no idea that the little dent was so you could prop it up agains the container. lucky they give you two tests. Of course giving you two tests is so that if it turns up positive, you can go into denial and do a retest. i know deep in my heart it is not so that if you lose the plot and forget the instructions and hold something you are meant to prop you can do it again.

test turns out negative. you sigh. then... you doubt it. your mind cries... the age old 'but I haven't bled'. then you tell yourself you are being silly - obviously you are not pregnant. that little negative line was seriously dark. no signs at all of a positive line. paranoia is an ugly, ugly thing. however, if it is not pregnancy, then you come to the understanding that your body is in total mutiny. and somehow, that's not better. pregnant is bad. mutiny is bad. i'm not sure either option is better than the other. you begin to wonder if perhaps you are going into early menopause. or are your internals just having random collisions that are throwing out the biological tick-tock clock that governs your bodily cycles. crying because you don't know, really doesn't help either. you ponder the next step. whatever that will be. right now you are not sure. another test, perhaps? you hit the absolute heights of hysteria, you start bleeding. talk about anticlimax. sigh.