paper, scissors, rock

the humour received by email

I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no f*ing way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class?

I'll tell you why -- BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear that sh*t up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh sh * t, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, arsehole!"

the story

The one night I went to pub bingo (bingo is the new disco, didn't ya know) two people yelled BINGO! at the same time. The DJ decided the only sensible way to decide who was the real winner was to pitt the wannabes against one another in a game of 'Paper, Scissors, Rock'. Much to the horror of spectators, one of the participants had not played before... and kinda screwed up the whole game a few times over. In the end the DJ announced that he didn't deserve the prize and handed it over to the other guy. As a consolation for the losing party, the DJ continued to give him a lot of attention through out the evening. Close attention. Ok, hell then (if we *must* be honest). All paper, scissor, rock stuff that comes through my mailbox (not that there's much of it really) gets forwarded straight on to him. His response to the above? "Ta. Am planning to go to 'paper-scissors-rock boot camp' so I can beat your skankie-ho' asses into the ground NEXT TIME. I WILL WREAK MY REVENGE!!!!! Woo haa haa haaa!!! :o)".

an innovative use for the game

Meanwhile, another friend ingeniously uses paper, scissors rock as a scam to get ahead in line ups in the loos. She challenges someone with, 'How about we play paper, scissors, rock and if I win, I get your place in the queue'. People agree. She moves up the line.

riddle

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom

personals, classifieds, signage

These all came to me as graphics... i presume scans of actual personal ads and signs - or at least realistic and quirky fakes - but were funny enough to go to the bother and retype. All details are as per the scans. I wouldn't recommend calling the numbers, but it's really up to you.

• Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate practical joke. Can you help? Please call on 07829 821 72
• Albino he-she, seeks similar. Call 020 7800 919
• AMANDA - I'm running a bit late. Will be there in about an hour. How far apart are the contractions?
• For Sale: Bonsai Tree Large. £80. Call 020 7306 8044
• Does anyone else think that there's something not quite right about Gary Lineker?
• Am you Grammer letting we down? Private tuition available. Now call now 07689 672 87
• Incurable romantic, seeks filthy whore. phone 0207 687 984
• Virginity. YES! Get in!
• Is your memory letting your down? And what about your memory? Is it letting you down? Call for information pack right now. Before your forget. 07928 853 52.
• Small minority wanted to spoil it for the rest of us. There's always one - is it you? Please call 020 529 7825.
• Money Worries? Work from home, earn ££££££'s. You don't even have to get out of bed! To find out more, call 'Pimp' Jimmy on 020 7306 8044.
• Good looking, athletic, Notting Hill based movie star, millionaire, seeks gullible stunner. Call 0208 758 856.
• Nemesis Wanted: I'm 5'10, into kayaking, books and conversation (by day), justice, honour and vengeance (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crimelord or deformed megalomaniac. Call 0207 567 343.
• For Sale: Holiday photos: Choice of ski, sun or city break. Ideal for anecdote or alibi. Call 020 867 3461.
• Get Rich Quick! Simply set up a premium rate phone line. To find out how call 0900 738 273
• King size rubber sheets, black £40/£45 clean. Call 0161 767 896.
• Speech Impediment? There's a new support group for the London area. Call D-DD-D-DDD-Dave on 0208 758 868.
• Hitachi washing machine DX250, under warranty until kill kill kill, kill them all February 2004, in perfect working order. £180 ono. Call 020 8442 898.
• Lose weight fast Fed up of dieting and exercise? Incredible results guaranteed! Try amoebic dysentery! Vials available £20. Simply add seafood. Call 020 7306 8044 (shouldn't, but may cause fatality).

Be afraid!

I've been sent so many more bush thangs, and I've got to say, some very funny. The man deserves it... but I'm not putting up more pictures here... you are probably all getting them emailed to you as well.

Man of the year

I presume the 'man of the year' award is awarded by women with tongues firmly in cheek :)

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Web links: Jan 2005

• No job no excuse for turning down sex work - a link I found on another site, but worth duplicating. I'm not sure I ethically agree. Actually, it's quite disturbing.
• Dead Like Me - telvision/dvd (dark comedy)
• yorke peninsula madness - more extreme ironing
• Extreme Ironing Oz - in space, no one can hear you steam...
• "The Most Un-American Speech I've Ever Heard" - Gore Vidal on Bush's Inaugural Address
• At the movies viewers poll - ABC Television viewers poll - a list of 2004 movies and you get to pick your favourite 3. Votes close 1st February 2005.
• Stella Awards - The Stella Awards were inspired by Stella Liebeck who spilled a cup of McDonald's coffee onto her lap, burning herself and was awarded her $2.9 million in damages. Ever since, the name "Stella Award" has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits -- including bogus cases! [more].
• Norwegians Confused by Bush Salute - President Bush's "Hook 'em, 'horns" salute got interpreted as a salute to Satan.
• ebay: invisible car - buy this invisible car, before someone else does!
• Macs BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - I've been saying this for years. Heh. :)
• Kissing Therapy - hmmm... it seems if you kiss someone they'll stay with you longer so if you do something bad, make sure you kiss and make up. Um. Yeah.
• Squares - a silly game where you've got to touch the black squares and not the red ones.
• Pentagon Strike (movie)
• This is what your computer should do first thing every morning.
• Telstra gets rid of Moe employees - Interesting article about Telstra's customer categories. I wonder what classification they have given me ;-) BREAK IT UP AND SELL IT OFF - that's [my] advice but nobody is listening. ;-)
• Kooky crustacean - two different colours and two different genders all in the one wee lobster.
• Annie Sprinkle - was telling a friend about seeing Annie Sprinkle at the Adelaide Festival the other day... and today she got a link to her website. This link is not work or child friendly. Well, probably not.
• It's a pretty rare injury - 10-centimetre nail unknowingly embedded in construction workers skull causes 'toothache'
• Rainbow TV - Kid's TV... I think not! (perhaps not appropriate for work)
• Dream holiday turns to nightmare- *grins* As usual, take this with a grain of salt.
• Throw the Jew down the Well - Sacha Baron Cohen (aka. Ali G) [song/vid]
• Bug Me Not - Bypass compulsory web registration.
• Fear stalks city where the police hide behind masks
• Women are evil! - A JILTED girl tore off her ex-boyfriend's testicle with her bare hands. (Caution: This story comes from 'The Sun', UK)
• Let the cat clean your screen or... an alternative links to the same thing I received June 2005.
• Politicians asked to donate sperm - If I were an IVF recipient I'd be worried about the quality...
• Become a human guinea pig - CMAX a division of the Instit. of Drug Tech. (IDT) Aust. Ltd is looking for participants for various medical studies inc. Psoriasis; Effect of food on drug absorption; Osteoarthritis; Bio equivalence Study; Asthma Drug; Japanese Encephalitis Vaccine; MS; HRT
• Nana Watch (PLUS your own life sized nana cut-out kit)
• Egg case of a Port Jackson Shark - Some sharks give birth while others, like the PJS lay eggs. Check out this egg.
• Darwin Awards - well known. old. here anyway. why not?
• Wolfe's sex scenes are howlers - Tom Wolfe wins the world's most dreaded literary accolade.
• 20Q - I picked a chessboard and the AI guessed correctly. Play 20 questions with an AI engine.
• Anti-seat belt law advocate is killed in automobile accident. The person who sent it to me checked the validity of the story before emailing it - something that most people are too lazy to do. It's not hard.. a quick keyword search on snopes generally does the trick.
• Mac Mini - Wheeeee, it's small.
• Vatican offers course in Satanism
• FlyLady.net lessons - declutter your life. (I got this from a friend in response to my moaning about the anxiety I am feeling about the excessive clutter in my house at the moment).
• Internet Help Desk - yep, this is how it really is on a help desk.
• Bottom Wiper - I am not sure what these things are but they disturb me :)
• Bare Bum at Bush - 'bare your buttocks as he passes by, you either render any photos taken at that moment unusable or make a very clear indication of what Britain thinks of this bigoted warmonger.'
• Australian official saw Habib 'torture' - An Australian official stood and watched while US agents tortured and humiliated Australian terror suspect Mamdouh Habib (who was one of the Australians held at Guantanamo Bay), a newly released legal document revealed.
• Censorship - Google forced to remove a link for a site that criticises the Church of Scientology under the controversial Digital Millennium Copyright Act. Bah humbug. Whinge. Complain. Loudly. To Australian politicians now. If we adopt the Free Trade Agreement such laws will affect us too.
• Bob-om - ah yeah. Not quite sure. But it was sent to me. I am sure it'll bring memories rushing back of 80's games.
• Stingy? Not with WMD and War
• Top Ten War Profiteers of 2004