It has recently come to our attention that there are other struggles between good and evil that don't always make the headlines.
There are a multitude of ordinary Australians who toil tirelessly to keep us safe, defeating insidious threats that, in most circumstances, do nothing more than keep us from sleep occasionally. To dismiss them as mere nuisances, though, would be somewhat naive ... Don't despair, though, fellow compatriots, enlightenment is nigh; however be warned that what you are about to read is an assault on the senses and, more disturbingly, the basis on which society endures.
On a temperate February evening this year, a hitherto unknown black feline made herself known to us. We had previously perceived her to be a common household pet and a sometime source of entertainment, together with the requisite responsibility of owning a pet. More specifically, we were under the impression that jiggling [1], thwacking [2] and nittle-nittle [3] were her way of punishing us and extracting the most annoyance in exchange for the least amount of physical effort. After a full debriefing (some of whose contents cannot be revealed at this stage) our outlook became solemn and sombre; not all was as it seemed... The biggest relevation to date has been that jiggling, thwacking and nittle-nittle are, in fact, ancient techniques of torture and that our friendly intrepid feline agent was simply trying to acclimatise us in case we became unwitting subjects to interrogation. The names of all parties have been altered in the interests of case integrity, however the events are real [4].
Prithee, dear reader, keep an open mind as we introduce you to a tangled world of deception, deceit and malevolence, cloaked in stealth, silence and the resolute indifference that typically appears on the faces of our counterparts in the animal kingdom.
In recent times our intelligence and reconnaissance efforts have redoubled. We have more agents per capita than ever before. There exists a sophisticated posse of criminals, bourne from a incoherent community less fortunate than the norm --some might have considered them simple outsiders in their more innocent days. Their master plan, as we understand it, is to achieve world domination through ancient sleep deprivation torture techniques, resulting in complete zombification of the human race. They are cleverly leveraging their psychosomatic manipulation by using the Stockholm Syndrome.
As we speak, the agents of International Confederate of Mystification are deep under cover and, in subsequent posts we will disclose information at hand concerning the parties involved, their exploits, and their profiles. Contingencies have been put in place in case of our untimely disappearance so you, the conscientious citizen, can stay informed.
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[1] Jiggling should not be attempted by those without a penchant for strange bodily configurations and perhaps a flea problem. It refers to the side-effect of scratching one's neck, rapidly, with one's hind legs whilst on a relatively unstable platform such as an ordinary bedroom mattress. If you are unsure what this implies, try it whilst your bedmate is attempting to sleep.
[2] To embark on your quest to perfect the ancient torturous art of thwacking, you must, without closing your mouth, try to suck the moisture off your tongue, inhale, and, with your mouth, form the phrase "thwack-thwack-thwack" simultaneously. Note that the voicebox must NOT be used. Do this as many times in succession as possible before physical harm befalls you. Some species of domestic cat are known to preen themselves using this technique however this is pure coincidence.
[3] Nittle-nittle is considered the pinnacle of thwacking, and should only be attempted by those with either a sanctioned black-belt in thwacking. Alternatively it can be practised by thwackers with a sense of adventure, provided they sign a waiver of liability and clear all foreign objects from their immediate environ. The nittle-nittle is accomplished by removing the "th" sound from the aforementioned thwacking technique, increasing speed by a six-fold minimum and generally aiming for "Hannibal Lecter does A Very Chipmunk Christmas". Unconfirmed sources have claimed that true nittle-nittle grand masters have sustained nittle-nittle at speeds of 20x, with bursts to 35x standard thwacking speed (STS).
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